Pain in my heart

When I asked God-
"Will this pain in my heart ever end?"
God said -
"Only when you turn to me for the repairs."

- Psalm 103:2 ~ Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -

WOW...that says it all, amen? Praise Him through it all! Good and bad. Oh, but we all know that isn't the easiest thing to do. We all want to just wallow in our own self pity thoughts, and ask, "Why me?" Or "Why God?" The pain sometimes over takes us. We want to just sit there and revel in it. Oh how it hurts. But when we change our focus and look to the one who can take that pain away, Oh how the hurt eases, and peace moves in.
These last few weeks for me and my family have been like a rollercoaster ride. Up and down, and up and down. There were the high peaks and then the low peaks. Then there were the peaks that twisted and turned and had us dizzy. Me in particular.
But as I look back on it all, and write these words, I can see God's hand in it all. Hallelujah!
It has been there all along, it is US who forgets to look for it or to grab on to it and hang on!
A few weeks ago, my youngest son Matthew, and his girlfriend Theresa came to me with news that shocked me beyond belief. Truly! Unexpected! They have been living together for about five years now and came and shared the news that they were expecting a baby! My second grandchild! The little Noah's Ark card read: due April 2011 ! Well, I can say for a few seconds there, I was totally speechless! Yeah, I know, it is hard to believe or even witness, but I was. The words were just not there. As I began to process this, the tears then began to flow. As I looked up at Matthew, he too was in tears. Several minutes later, the entire room of people, (John, Kellie and Daddy) all were informed of the news. Elation and happiness were also met with worries of finances, emotional and spiritual issues that were sure to come to light as things progressed. I had shared with them several times about God and His plans for our lives. Marriage in particular. How my hope for them was to know Christ as their personal savior, to get married and then to start a family. So as you see, like I said, unexpected. As for me, the tears didn't want to seem to leave me. They became my constant friend for the next several days. Every time I talked about it or shared with family and friends, they were there. It is really hard to put into words what I was feeling. My heart was so heavy because I was feeling that "spiritually" they were not ready. They had made this decision to have a child, independent of God! (a word from another). Over the years they have known my feelings of them living together, and now they bypass marriage and jump right into having a child. Many family and friends were encouraging to me. Several lifted me in prayer and shared their own testomonies with me that got me through this time. But the discouraging words from others were there too. I was praying constantly that the Lord give me peace with it all. I wanted to handle this situation the way that He wanted me to, not the way others said I should do, or be or act. As one sweet friend said, "Yana, your heart has been broke and you are very fragile right now." Oh, how right she was. That I see now, was why the tears didn't let up. I was searching for peace and I found it. Hallelujah! Like I said earlier, He was there all along, I was the one not reaching out for His Hand. Through constant prayer, day and night, and how scripture spoke to me, as well as precious friends who know how to comfort and encourage, I found the peace that HE gives. I found the JOY that He gives.
Scripture says that God knew us even before He formed us in our Mother's womb. Awesome. So he knew that this child was to be born and the situation it was to be born into. This child deserved nothing less than any other child does. I just needed to trust Him and to love Matt and Theresa just like He does. Unconditionally! Never wavering on truth, but to show Jesus' love!
So there it was...I was going to be a grandmother for a second time. Oh how sweet. My first, Bryana, has brought me such pleasure that I was expectant of finding that same sweetness again. Matt already was telling me names, Jonathan David, for a boy! The girl, still undecided. But as the days went on, Jonathan David....grew on me.
We started a "bank" just for "little Coyle!" Change was being put in daily and the anticipation was growing.
My tears were few and far between, but I was still leaning on my prayer warriors. They were keeping me strong.
This past Monday began as any other day. I had went shopping, wanting to get a card of encouragement for Matt. I wanted him to know beyond measure that I was there for him and would help in any way I could. My love for him was never ending and unconditional. I found the perfect one. Short and to the point: "Two things you can always count on"....ME and GOD!
After I selected it, I went over to the baby section and was looking at items to buy. I was thinking on getting something for either boy or girl. My first gift for my new grandchild. As I stood there looking things over, I had this feeling of hearing God say to me, "Wait...Yana! Not yet!" To be honest, I was confused. Not sure why,(that I needed to wait) but I listened. I gathered up my purchases and headed home. About an hour after I got home I got a call from Matthew. He sounded like something was wrong. He said he needed to talk with both John and myself. So then he proceeded to tell me that Theresa had lost the baby a few hours earlier. Once again, the tears made their apprearance. My heart again was breaking. Not only for my son who was hurting so much, or for Theresa, who was hurting, but for my grandchild, that was not to be a part of our lives, while here on this earth. The pain in my heart had returned. We (John and I) both cried with him and did our best at comforting him. Matthew was devastated. His heart too, was breaking. And for that, only time will heal. I encouraged him to turn to God and seek His comfort. It has only been a few days, but a sadness overcomes me just now as I put all of this into words. Once again, I am at a loss.
I know that I will once again be on the mountaintop. Right now, I have to go through this valley. My God will be there with me, through it all.
I am giving it all to him...Matthew, Theresa, my grandchild.....praying and knowing that He will bring glory to His name through this situation. I am trusting that His ways are best.
My heart is still grieving for the grandchild I will never know, but I do know that God is still in control. I know now, why He told me to "wait."
As I seek His wisdom, I am learning to listen. I am learning to trust all the more.