Saturday, January 2, 2016

Wow....2016....it has been years since I was on here last blogging.  Wow, again!  So, what made me think of blogging now?  I guess as I was thinking back, and it being the beginning of a new year, I was reflecting about how 2015 was, and felt like finally writing about it.  So, here we are.  Ready to blog again.
This is not to say that the other years, weren't eventful too, they were, but 2015 is the year that I just got through, and the one that is uppermost in my mind at this time.
So that is where I am going to begin my new journey of blogging.  So much has changed over these last few years. 
Even my blogger spot of "Childlike Expressions", may not even clearly reflect the person I am today.  But I will keep the name, none the less.  In my head, the new name is "BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE...."

As I mentioned earlier, a lot of changes have gone on since my last blog.  One important thing, on my mind right now, is that I am a grandma to more than just Bryana.  Bryana is 8 years old now, I also have Clayton, who is 3 1/2 yrs old, Michael's son.  Then in 2012 Matthew and Theresa got married and with them I got a step-grandson named Damion, who is now 20 yrs old.  In November, 2014, Matt & Theresa blessed us with twin girls, named Starr and Angel.  That brought our total to 5....then Theresa gets pregnant very soon after delivering the girls, and is now due in two days, to deliver grandchild #6, a grandson named Jaxsen, who is scheduled to arrive on January 4, 2016!  So you see what I mean, with a lot of changes?  LOL.
Being a grandma (Mamie) to this amount of kiddos surely has kept John (Papa) and I, very busy.  But we honestly can say, we are loving every minute of it. 

This past Christmas, was a very fun time to say the least.  Clayton, was the most excited, I think.  He was trying to "help" everyone open their gifts.  And then when he had a gift to open, the excitement mounted even more.  Truly precious to watch.  The girls, just being a little over one year old, weren't really sure exactly what all was going on, but they too were enjoying the day.  These are the memories I cherish.  Everyone special in it's own way. 

But as I sit and reflect back on the year 2015, other memories flood my mind, some not so cherishable as these recent ones.  I gotta say, 2015 has been one of the most difficult and hardest years I have ever had to get through.  When I think of "hard years", of course 2001, with the passing of my precious Mama, and then again in 2011, the passing of my sweet Daddy, those 2 are at the top.  2011 also brought about sadness and grief with the passing of a dear sweet best friend, named Bobby.  Those two years, are really hard to even put into words, my exact and deep down feelings, that mere words can never totally explain.  They were losses that I will never get over, but have learned to get through.  Each one floods my mind with memories of their own.  I have learned to cherish the good days, and to cling to God, on the days that the darkness tries to invade my mind and take over.  BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE...................

So, in this life, we learn to let go, and we learn to go on.  To cherish the here and now.  We learn to live each day to it's fullest.  To not take each other for granted.  To love and to be loved.  To acknowledge that we are not promised tomorrow. To forgive often.  To hug and to hold, while we can. 

With 2015, I experienced another kind of loss, that in itself too, mere words are hard to find.  This being the first time I have felt the need to even put it into words.  But I think I am ready now.  BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE...............

The loss I have had to deal with this time, is so very different than the losses I spoke of earlier.  This time it was the loss of friends within my church family.  This loss, cut me very deep.  Deeper than I would have ever imagined.  There are days that I wonder if the wound will ever heal.  Many months have went by since this happened, and I know that I am now in the healing stage.  At first, I was going through what I called, the "grieving stage."  I sincerely grieved, the loss of church family and friends.  I had been a part of this church since 2002, it was not an easy process for me to leave this place that I had found such love, acceptance, guidance, friends and mentors.  The memories that I have from there, are too numerous and fill my mind of many good times.  It was the place that I saw my grandchildren dedicated and saw them learn about Jesus.  It was the place that I saw my husband, come to accept Christ into his life.  It was the place my son and his wife were married.  It was the place I saw many friends come to accept Christ into their own lives and saw so many grow, as they learned to serve.  It was the place I said good-bye to friends who have went on to Glory and are waiting for me to join them one day.  It was the sanctuary, of where I found comfort, as I had to say good-bye to my Daddy.  It was the place where I too, learned to love the Lord and serve Him, with all my heart, soul and mind. 

But as events unfolded, it became the place that I would have to say good-bye to.  The place that God was leading me out of, into another place, that I had no knowledge of where He was leading or just exactly what He was asking me to do. 
Hindsight, they say, is 20/20.  I can see why that is said.  When we look back, we can see God's hand in it all.  Were there times it hurt, absolutely!  Were there times, I didn't understand it, for sure!  Are there still times I feel the hurt and pain....even now. 

BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE...........I am learning how to deal with it.  And from this woman's point of view, it is a daily process.  So many things God has shown me along the way.  He is healing this heart one day at a time. 

BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE.........I have had to accept the fact that others have decided to no longer be my friend.  And that hurts!  What really hurts is that many don't even know the real reasons to why God led me out of there.  They assume.............and I think, if they really were my friends, wouldn't they contact me and want to know?  But instead, they ignore me, they defriend me on FB, they don't call or text like they used to, they no longer want to "get together", they pass me up in Kroger, and don't even speak.  Hmmmmmmm......and these were my church family. 

BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE......I am learning how to not let these things steal my joy.  To not let these things take my focus off of Jesus.  To not let these things deter me from my mission to share Christ.  I am learning that this was just one chapter from my life.  God has many more chapters for me to go through. 

BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE.......So many lessons I have learned from this experience.  I am trusting God to get me through the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that...........

There are days that I still grieve the loss of Mama, Daddy, Bobby, my church, and my church family.  But as I grieve and as I let God tend my wound and bring it to a place of healing, it's then I know what it means when He says in His Word, that "my grace is sufficient".............

BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE..............as I enter this new year 2016, I can truly say, I am in a good place.  My life is still on track for Jesus.  He is the one person/friend that I never lost.  As I explained it to one person, "Satan may have tried to take me out of the fight, and yes, he knocked me down, but I AM GETTING BACK UP!" 

BUT FOR GOD'S GRACE...................


Because of Christ.........
Yana

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